Reflection Paper 3: Family Roles/Birth Order/Dysfunctional Communication

Family Roles, Birth Order, and Dysfunctional Communication

Family relations greatly determine our identity and how we manage our interpersonal relations within our lifetime. Based on this perspective of my childhood, I can see that within my family setting, I was the ‘Hero’ and, at the same time, the ‘Lost Child.’ Analyzing these roles with the influence of birth order and dysfunctional communication has helped me to gain insight into my experiences and the application in my current parenting.

Understanding Family Roles

In order to deal with dysfunction, children develop particular roles in the family they belong to. The concept of Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, and Mascot actually arises from an effort to solve and deal with the typical family problems. In their study, Zagefka et al. (2021) emphasized that these roles can have a positive or negative influence on people’s psychological well-being. In my case, I have often realized that I was playing the role of the Hero. This role usually entails assuming certain roles in order to preserve family cohesion and provide other people with care. I was the only girl and the middle child, and so, like many girls and especially for being the middle child, I had to be strong and always rely on myself. 

Though I physically had both parents, we were lacking critical emotional support since my father had depression issues and was rather selfish, and my mother worked too much to take care of my oldest brother, who was diagnosed with mental disorders. In this environment, at times, I was the caregiver, which forced me to adopt the hero role, where one feels obligated to maintain the family intact. Studies done in regard to this topic prove that children, growing up in dysfunctional households, use such roles in order to survive (Zagefka et al., 2021). As a result, the pressures I got into ensured that I developed pride in handling challenges and, at the same time, developed a great fear towards vulnerability.

On the other hand, I also feel connected to the Lost Child role. Zagefka et al. (2021) show that this role is associated with ideas of exclusion and anonymity in the family system. Since my mother has to provide special care for my oldest brother, I felt neglected on her side. The phrase she used quite often, which I heard many times, “I know you will be okay and sort things for yourself,” has always stuck with me. It suggested that although I can take on whatever life throws at me, it also meant that I should not expect any kind of support from her, especially emotional support. This duality of the Hero and Lost Child roles generated conflictual emotional scenarios where I was responsible for other people’s well-being while at the same time my efforts were not recognized. 

Sibling Dynamics

My siblings all had different roles that added to the dynamics in our family. My oldest brother really took on a lot of times, and probably still does, the scapegoat role: he was most of the time the center of attention due to his mental health issues and behaviors that demanded attention from our parents. The dynamic between him and his relationship with Mom and Dad affected not only him but also shaped how we interacted as siblings. My youngest brother played the Lost Child role more to the letter, as he would often be forgotten in the presence of our elder brother.

Growing up, our sibling relationships became strained. We see each other now only on holidays, keeping in contact superficially. While we know we can count on one another for whatever reasons, there is an understanding that our contact is transactional rather than relational. According to O’Shea Brown (2021), this distance in relationships can be attributed to our childhood experiences of all of us just doing our part without much communication and understanding of what others were facing in their roles within the family unit.

These dynamics were further complicated by the dysfunctional communication patterns within our family. Our interactions were often characterized by avoidance or conflict rather than open dialogue. My mother’s tendency to baby my oldest brother created an environment where expectations were inconsistent; she held me to standards she did not apply to him. As Ho et al. (2022) discuss, this disparity fostered resentment and confusion about what it meant to be valued within our family unit.

Parenting Through a New Lens

Thinking about how one was raised has a tremendous impact on shaping the way one parents his or her children today, especially with the two children I have. I want to be a more physically involved parent and be as emotionally invested in their lives as I can be. While my parents only cared about their problems and those of my siblings, the role I have embraced is to be there for my children in every way possible: emotionally, physically, and mentally.

My experiences have made me understand the need to encourage my children to open up to me. This is because scholars have proved that good communication is crucial in any relationship (Ho et al., 2022). On this note, I want my children to be able to share with me how they feel knowing that they will not be rejected or ignored. Empowering them will end the cycle of dysfunction I faced during my childhood years by making them aware that they can confide in and depend on me.

In my parenting, I try to consider possible roles that might appear as they age. For example, if one child complains that they feel constantly taken over by their sibling’s responsibility or views themselves as less important, I would listen to them and address the problem, rather than let them figure it out on their own like I did. This knowledge helps me work more consciously and be intentional on my parenting skills and be more careful while raising my own children.

The Influence of Birth Order

Birth order is one of the most significant determining factors in personality and communication within families. According to Mu et al. (2024), birth order impacts personality traits and communication styles. Being a middle child taught me how to navigate situations diplomatically. Middle children are often the peacemakers in their families, able to handle disputes and bring people together in agreement. This skill has served me well in both personal and professional contexts. On the other hand, being in the middle of older and younger siblings also meant that sometimes I felt less considered or appreciated than they were. Not being as favored as the oldest or youngest child can breed feelings of inadequacy or resentment in middle children. According to Zagefka et al. (2021), recognizing these patterns helps understand why I struggle with self-esteem or assertiveness at times.

Positives Amidst Challenges

Despite the dysfunctions within my family dynamics, there are positive aspects worth acknowledging. My mother has grown over time; she realizes her mistakes in raising us and has become more considerate now that we are grown up (Zagefka et al., 2021). This realization brings a sense of healing and closeness between us at this adult stage.

Despite the deviations from the healthy family functioning, there are some beneficial aspects that should be pointed out. My mother has learned over the years; she sees her mistakes in how she brought us up and is much better as we grow up (Zagefka et al., 2021). This acknowledgment helps create a healthier relationship between us now that we are adults. Moreover, although my father has never been emotionally supportive throughout my life, and I have grown apart from him, distancing myself from him, I have been able to dedicate myself to investing time in the proper relationships, especially parental ones and sometimes only with my children and, if possible, with my brothers and sisters.

Conclusion

Reflecting on the family roles have shown me a lot about myself and the present relationships I have today. Identifying myself as both Hero and Lost Child really allowed me to appreciate how experiences from the past mold me in my present behaviors, specifically emotional availability and modes of relating to others. While striving to be a different parent from where I came from, that is, one that fosters open dialogue and emotional support, I hold fast to the hope of breaking these dysfunctional cycles for generations to come. While familial dynamics are fraught with challenges, they also create opportunities for growth and healing. This will enable me to work toward creating a nurturing environment for my children, one in which emotional connection, not neglect, is valued, a legacy far from that which defined my upbringing.

References

Ho, Y. C. L., Mahirah, D., Ho, C. Z. H., & Thumboo, J. (2022). The role of the family in health promotion: a scoping review of models and mechanisms. Health Promotion International, 37(6), daac119.https://doi.org/10.1093/heapro/daac119

O’Shea Brown, G. (2021). Dysfunctional Family Systems. In Healing Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder: A Clinician’s Guide (pp. 47-60). Cham: Springer International Publishing. https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-030-61416-4_4

Mu, W., Li, Y., Cui, S., He, A., & Liu, T. (2024). Birth order and personality: Evidence from a representative sample of Chinese. European Journal of Personality, 38(6), 896-906. https://doi.org/10.1177/08902070231224063

Zagefka, H., Jones, J., Caglar, A., Girish, R., & Matos, C. (2021). Family roles, family dysfunction, and depressive symptoms. The Family Journal, 29(3), 346-353. https://doi.org/10.1177/106648072097341